Looking back in anger

We like to sit back and look at things that happen and try to reason, most especially if it's something that mattered to us or something that is significant enough to warrant a reflection on the purpose of the event that occurred. Sometimes it's to justify something we did to comfort ourselves, or at times a reminder that we're probably not in total control of our destinies as we like to think.

I don't normally sit back to think in hindsight if something does have a significance in terms of meaning. There are times when something does actually make me wonder if it served as a warning about the danger of the direction that I'm going, most especially if it were something that affects the lives of people.

My second brother's passing in 1999 woke me up somewhat to the reality of life and my place in the family. Before then I took much for granted - whilst I did enjoy a good relationship with my parents, I never looked at them in the same light again after that tragedy. Whilst I still slack when it comes to calling home, I do feel happier to know my folks are enjoying themselves in retirement and were doing fine at home safe from the hustle bustle of the city.

Mom normally calls this hiao3 xiong3 in Hakka that meant empathy and knowing the consequences pf one's actions. On another perspective it meant maturing and understanding oneself being a part of a life bigger than your own. When you're capable of putting yourself in their shoes - labouring daily to feed the children, dealing with work, the joy of success and bitter taste of disappointment - you tend to appreciate them better for the patience the have for having to put up with the kind of inevitable idiocy that comes along with being a growing kid.

Was my brother's death a wake up call from God that I was walking down the wrong path et al? Did He take him away to spare my parents continuous anguish and hell of watching one of their beloved child suffer?

To be honest, nobody knows. We can only speculate and reflect but perhaps that is the reason. Maybe. It doesn't help with the fact the the Big Man upstairs doesn't give you straight answers like in an email or telegram.

The above examples would warrant time outs to think back on life and gather our ideas on what is going on, especially with the era of multitasking that inevitably multiplies the amount of things we need to think about and shaving away the important personal dialogue with ourselves that is the most brutally honest, if not enlightening. For an introvert like me, we tend to cherish off days like weekends a lot for the personal time that it gives us to catch our breaths.

On the other hand, many things are simply not worth looking back and wondering about considering that they have already happened and nothing short of divine intervention will allow one to change it and inevitably affect the current. 'What ifs' can be a bad thing if it overwhelms the person with regret, anchoring them to the past that the future cannot come.

I have many friends who like to look back at their past and sulk on it, thinking that things might have been better if they have taken the other path. Like everybody, we're all affected by things that define humanity - love & relationships, career, finance et al. Whilst we don't dwell on the petty things, I too wonder at times what it would've been like if I did things different then, decided on something else instead of what brought me here as I am right now.

However, that's where I draw the line. I stop many paces before regret simply for the reason that I believe there is not much of a benefit in regretting something. Sure, feel bad for that crappy decision you made that cost something important to slip away or  a chance at good luck that came and went without being claimed - but I anchor myself back with the feeling that it would've happened the way it is even I made the other decision simply for the reason that there is no guarantee that something will happen the way you intend it to.

Life is an intricate fabric made of many threads that will affect one another - tug this part of the cloth and you will move more than just one of the interwoven strings. Similarly, tug too much and it might no longer return to the shape it used to be. What is within our hands is what coloured threads we would like to weave the fabric with and how long do we want that thread to run.

If there's anything certain about life is that we all make mistakes alongside the good regardless of how perfect one's life is (oh how boring it is to have a perfect life) and it would serve more purpose to learn from those errors in judgement and move on instead of stubbornly clinging to the point when those decisions were made because the choice had already been made.

What is lost is lost, there is no turning back the clock. Unless one is presented the second chance to make amends, we should pick ourselves up and walk on, worrying about the present being that it's the only thing we can influence right now and leave the past where it belongs - the past.

I suppose the other thing that is hard to do is to be honest with ourselves about the past. Accepting that we screwed up is something even the most realistic person about the world can't do easily - I myself have trouble accepting that the fault is mine especially the fault is shared by many - but I do accept that it's all mine if it clearly is mine alone. I mean, what's the point of fighting against all the incriminating evidence that points your way?

Reminiscing about the old times is not the same as looking back in anger - they are different in the context of one's mindset; one accepts the past as it is - the past, whilst the other refuses to do so. Sure, it hurts at times to look back and think of how differently it would've have been but that's the past.


Sometimes things just happen.
Simply because.
No reason.

It might sound like an excuse to say the above but realistically speaking unless you're absolutely sure of whatever the reason something happens, there really isn't any.

I'm not speaking about things such rain - it rained because of precipitation - that follows the Natural Law of the universe - science. There is reason for winds - hot air rises whilst cold air sinks, creating moving air.

Asking why do we see lightning before the roar of thunder is not the same as asking why some people die young or why some are born into poverty whilst other have silver spoons in their mouths.


"Forrest, you have to do your best what God has given you. Be brave Forrest, be brave in everything you do. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get", said Mrs Gump to Forrest on her deathbed.

Very aptly put, Mrs Gump.

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Well Forrest isn't as 'stupid as stupid does' either:

“I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze. But I think maybe it's both. Maybe both are happening at the same time".