"Perhaps you're being too picky".
I have been hearing that comment for the last five years now and it is not like I have not wondered about how true it is. Best part about that is all it came from people whom I have not met or seen for a long time, the last being a lady friend who is currently in Penang when I had a chat during the early morning before work.
The week before was my ex-supervisor's fiancée, Vickee, asked
"What is it in a woman that you're looking for?"
I've given thought to that question in the past week or so to fill the mind during those boring traffic jams or any other activities that requires waiting and came up with a few that more or less answers her question.
Take note that these are what I would like in a lady, not necessarily my expectations - both different things altogether. Whilst we can all wish for the perfect person to fit every requirement, it's best to expect that only some will meet what we believe to be our wishes.
Intelligent
I don't mean MENSA candidates when I wrote that. I enjoy conversations about anything under the sky and it piques my interest when a woman is able to converse about more than just the surface of a topic. It's the same reason why I read and listen to all sorts of stories instead of choosing only those that fits my interests simply because a well-rounded mind are usually more level-headed and are less prone to being one-dimensional.
So what will we talk about once the usual topics are exhausted? There is only so much cuddling and sweet talk that you can do (although that is usually enough). I'm fine with ladies who don't know much but are not afraid of the idea of knowing more for the sake of having a better perspective in life.
Again, no geniuses needed, just one open to ideas and are capable of conversations beyond the superficial. Clever ones gets bonus points.
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| "I do astrophysics to relax". |
Strong
Not in the sense of an Iron Lady World Champion but more in the likes of perseverance in the eye of the storm. Whilst I don't expect all women to stare at danger with hearts made of cold steel but I would like them to not be discouraged by the slightest of inconvenience.
For the same reason I actually find 'girly girls' a bit of a put off because of the amount of pacifying that you need to do when they are 'not in the mood'. I don't mind playful pacification, but serious ones because of petty things really gets on my nerves. If anything I like my ladies delicate and playful but not tofu-hearted.
One woman I know had a heartbreaking time tending to her dying son after a surgery failed to keep him healthy. She had to change him, feed him and then watch him wither away. While I would know that it would've broken the lesser woman, she persevered through in faith and then let go. I won't pretend to know the kind of hell she went through, but that to me is true strength.
Her name? Elizabeth, but I call her 'Ma'.
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| "That kid hasn't called. Again". |
Simple things in life
Can she sit with me to watch the sunset without saying a single word? There are many joys in the world that are simple and I happen to enjoy them a lot - stroking a purring cat's soft fur, listening to a baby responding to her mother, watching fish wade around in a gentle pond, closing the eyes and listening to the waves crashing to the shore or sitting out at the rooftop looking at the stars surrounded by singing crickets.
I'd love to lie down on the rug with soft music on, lights off, the room illuminated by the moon et al, and do nothing but talk until we fall asleep.
The 24/7 world cuts down time for ourselves so much that it is difficult to slow down to smell the flowers, the hidden little treasures fly through our view because people are less inclined to stop and have a look with all the distractions what not.
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| "Dear, I think I left the iron on". |
Independent
Personal space to me is important because it is some of the things that makes us individuals instead of clones or robots. There will come a time when all I want to do is do a dungeon crawl or watch a football match uninterrupted by continuous requests for attention. Spending time is essential in building the relationship but too much too often is like the protective cloth to the skin - creates friction that leads to blisters.
There are also times when I'd like to hang out with the guys without a woman on tow. I don't mind having them meet up together some times but it becomes a problem to me when there simply isn't any division between what defines 'me' and 'us'.
In reverse, a woman should have time to have the weekend out with their girlfriends or simply do something that is all of her own that doesn't involve their guy be it watching a soppy television drama or jogging at the park - all this without forcing the guy to be there when he doesn't want to.
"Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time?"
- Merovingian, The Matrix Reloaded -
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| Nice cape. |
Trust
This to me is possibly one of the toughest thing to do in the world where infidelity is on the rise and divorce or breakup rates are on the rise. A world where everything is now interconnected, we all meet people everywhere, every time as well as my own call for personal space earlier.
There's old saying that if a girl asks about you all the time it means she cares which is all good and sundry. It is bad news when it graduates to suspicion and jealousy.
I experienced this first hand almost ten years ago and sufficed to say I was more relieved to be out of it than sad because I was tired of being viewed as one who was in the greatest risk of changing hearts because I was surrounded by similarly aged girls in university whom are entering their prime. Whilst I understand the concerns considering that she was far away in another continent, it wasn't the reassurance that I had to give regularly that was giving me a heartache - it's the lack of trust in my fidelity that led to the quarrels. The last straw was when she decided that she trusts her suspicion than she does of me.
I am thoroughly confident of how loyal I was to her when I was here over 10,000 km away. Sure there are temptations every where I was - it's the university when our hormones were at an all time high - but I stood through the thick and thin that the next two years we shall be reunited again.
The conclusion here is that I reserve my faithfulness to the woman only if she extends the same to me; she must understand that it cannot be a one way street where the only feelings that matters are hers. Not saying that our hearts are made of ones and zeroes that makes it either an on or off but the foundation of a stable and solid relationship begins with trust. If one cannot trust the other to be committed to the companionship, makes just about no sense to get together in the first place.
Perhaps we were immature back then, when relationships are made up just of being together, whispering sweet nothings and cuddles. We were simply ill prepared for the real challenges of maintaining a relationship beyond those.
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| "You.. have... just ... won... 50,000.... dollars...". |
Personality
By far the toughest of them all. Everybody likes good looking people or at least above average ones as its a biological reaction - show me a person who is not interested in attractive people and I'll show you a liar.
We are all superficial but the difference is in the degree of how a person appears influences how much attention you give to how they actually are. The most superficial will put looks at the top of the list whilst the least will give the most points for personality.
In that sense whilst I have a healthy self-esteem of how I look, I'm at a handicap compared to my other friends and acquaintances who are taller and more good looking than I am. I need to do twice as much as work to achieve half of what they are capable of. In such I'm normally quite disliked during first impressions only to graduate to friends or good friends after knowing one another better.
An ex-colleague long ago told me that she hated my guts the first few weeks we met but eventually she thought I was a great guy after we got more chance to speak to one another.
Mom once made a remark that had me slighted for a bit (with a snide remark being a progeny of hers) which goes along the lines of this is a face that only she can love. She wasn't saying that I am an ugly troll - rather I happen to wear an unwelcoming face most of the time. I do admit that I don't smile very much and my default facial expression is half a unit over the 'sour' spectrum, juuuuust slightly.
Personally I have trouble smiling for no apparent reason simply because it is not only insincere, I'm cheating the other person of genuine warmth. I do smile during official matters but only because we are expected to.
Similarly I am averse to trying to become whatever I am not just to impress others (non in official capacity), most especially to women. Whilst there is truth in 'faking it till you make it', it is the very reason why you hear "he's changed" "you were not like that before" "you don't love me anymore" so very often nowadays.
I am keen on avoiding that pitfall, if she is not able to accept me for who I really am then I am not willing to cheat her of her confidence in me that will result in nothing but disappointments later - she deserves better.
That said, I admit that there is much to improve on how I package myself - there are ladies who are beyond my reach (either due to distance, status or some sort of legitimate barrier) who react favourably to how I look.
It will have to be a give and take - my expectations of them is the same as theirs of me; acceptance for the actual person, not how he/she appears to look like.
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| "You're a pretty puzzling fella". |
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All said, am I still being picky, I'd ask Vickee.
If you have read what I wrote from the start, you will find that I have described the many things that are foundations to maintaining a solid relationship, not the kind of expectations that I have in a woman. It would be obvious by now that I am already looking beyond the person, looking to understand what happens after the initial sparks have fizzled out.
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