Onion layers

Every person has three hearts:
one that they show in public
one that they show to close friends and family
and one that only they and their God sees.

Try to see through to the heart that is reserved for themselves and their God, for that is the heart most trustworthy.

- Japanese proverb -

The first time I read this proverb was from the excellent Shogun by the late James Clavell. As the description above explains, a person is made of several layers that obscure the other. Every one of it hold different truths about the person. 

Something like this guy, minus the BMI and Fitness First membership.

 Personally, I hold this to be true as from interaction with people down the years you tend to learn different sides to them from the people they know that might sometimes contradict with how they are with you. I suppose the best thing to do is to always be open to the idea that the person you know may not necessarily be who they appear to be.

I have always been fascinated by the third heart of other people. Digging into this very personal space of the person's thoughts had been one of my favourite things to do. Rarely ever as to use it against them, I find understanding the true nature of a person and their thoughts to be some sort of a challenge, like answering some sort of a riddle. Humans are the most complex of riddles as they have the ability to mislead or be dishonest, so the great challenge in sifting through the many things you see and find the little bits of themselves hidden behind the veil.

"I'm not playing peek-a-boo Mister, your fly is open!"

It might backfire at times, especially those whom we accurately read or understand - they tend to shrink away to close themselves for good from you either out of fear of betrayal or shame. Unsurprising considering that this is where the most intimate of secrets are kept, either good or shameful ones - knowing them means you have a hold of their psyche. As the proverb mentioned, the most honest of a person is kept here - nobody would actively betray their true selves.

I have been called very secretive by close friends, which is a good thing considering that many consider me trustworthy enough to talk to about things they won't usually tell another soul, and not to use it against them. It's like a one way street, anything of great importance to these people that they bother to talk about will stay with me.

On a personal level, my thoughts or what I feel about things get shrouded between passively misleading others e.g revealing enough of the truth to make others reach the wrong conclusion - or simple lack of reaction. There are times when I am rocked on the inside but shows just about nothing from expression - coupled with offhand reactions that is the absolute opposite of my actual thoughts.

"No really, I am quite interested to know what the 14th decimal of pi is".

 This is possibly one of the reasons why I am normally slightly morose in terms of my 'default' appearance, the mind always actively thinking whilst the person appears inactive.

Doesn't mean that when people greet or joke with me that my smile or laughter in return are fake - I can compartmentalize what I think or feel to have only a 'local effect' - if that person wasn't the reason why I am moody, he or she will get a favourable reaction from me regardless - they are not why I feel that bad. To let them bear the brunt of my wrath is simply unfair because I would hate to be blamed for something not of my doing either. Often it's pride (good type) that is keeping me from lashing out on the innocent, most of the time is due to not wanting to regret doing something I could have avoided by taking a deep breath and counting to five.

Mother once cautioned me to thinking twice before saying anything, especially when tempers flare. I am not that easily ticked off nowadays especially after learning to empathise but there have been times when I have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from saying anything, most especially when I have to deal with it again later. As they say don't break the glass holding your drinks if you can't deal with the thirst. End result are often quick breaths, pulses in the forehead, the pressure on the chest, the heat in the shoulder and the shake of the jaws. I am pretty poker-faced as one ex-colleague once said, but only a few had managed to see the rage boiling inside - there might not even be a frown.

Kitteh sez it rite.

At the end of the day, the better angel always ask me if it is worth it - usually the answer is a simple no and things fade away. "You'll wake up feeling better tomorrow", I usually tell troubled friends.

And sometimes to myself.

"Zzz... she... izzz..cuuu... zzz...  anyeong.. Liver...pzz....haz zzzz.."