Tranquil in darkness

Glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow.

It was late Friday evening when I drove home after the movies with a few friends, the atmosphere was calm and serene, unrushed as the weekend was only an hour away. The traffic still looked ridiculously bad going downtown but the drive back to Subang was of its normal pace with most people already home and there was no traffic jam to slow things down.

I might be driving on the wrong side of the road there...

I enjoy driving home in the quiet of the night with slow music from the radio to unwind after a busy day - there is something calming about the night that gladdens the heart.

I had Sarah McLachlan's  Do What You Have To Do on via the Bluetooth player during a short period of congestion in front of the PJ Hilton. Her voice filled the dark interior of the car, the quietness cocooned within, lit only by the red dashboard displays. The air-conditioner was blowing gently - not too cold, just right.

Just her voice and the piano, singing about the conflict between the heart and the mind to let go of something so dear.

Whilst I'm nowhere there at the moment, sharing the emotions that literally oozes from the song, but she seems to capture the very essence of the dilemma that one faces when they are at the crossroads that we will all come to many times at various stages of our lives.

"Black Arial 16 bold or Tahoma 17 blue?"

 Instead I was mesmerized by the three lines describing ember that is burning, literally seeing it in my mind, the orange-yellow glow, barely lighting up a monochromatic background. Combine that with the slow tempo of the piano and the hypnotic quality of the singer's voice, I was literally at peace.

The week before I had Keiko Matsui's acoustic version of Water Lily, the tinkle of the ivory hitting the strings as her fingers danced over their black and white keys. It seemed to massage the soul like the gentle fingers of a masseuse loosening the knots of tired muscles. I listened to every note and savour them individually and together, creating the wonderful melody that made the piano such a soothing instrument.

Perhaps this is why I like small or one-to-one interaction with people; I can listen to them with my fullest attention, taking in what is being said without the distractions and connect with them, to be on the same wavelength. It's like a duet, two individuals playing the same song.

Not sure how but this came out as one of the results in Google search.

 Maybe because of this I happen to become a person that people are not afraid of confiding to. I have sat in front of many who told me of their innermost secrets, anger and fear, sometimes accompanied by tears that at times would sometimes cut my own heart because I 'feel' their words, not necessarily understanding it the way that only they themselves can. Sometimes all they needed is someone to listen to what their heart is crying out, not necessarily to seek in opinion or solution.

As the car cruised smoothly down the highway, I thanked God the weekend is here again.

We all dream

The Fremen were supreme in that quality the ancients called "spannungsbogen" -- which is the self-imposed delay between desire for a thing and the act of reaching out to grasp that thing. from "The Wisdom of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan.
-- (Dune, Frank Herbert)

It's true that ability to stop and think before doing something requires great discipline, especially if the end result would normally be something that is irreversible and a thing that you would need to live with. To those who 'live and let live' the above probably don't matter as life is one to paint and a painting to look back at, good or bad. At least one get to lived his life the way he wanted it.

For most people however, the need to do decide on whether a venture is worth the risk is often a dilemma of great proportions especially if it meant something very costly or one that would change how you live for a long time, if not forever. Take for instance the decision to buy a house - choose the wrong location or pricing and you'll end up financing a long term loan that will eat up your life's worth of worries. Abandoning it to make amends will eat up all that has been invested practically rendering it a waste.

Even a thing as natural as having children is not a bed of roses (though the process of making them are often decided in seconds... that's for another story) - the whole process of investing half of your life to make sure that this new bundle of life get to grow in a decent environment with the proper upbringing is not as simple as say, adding cheese to make a cheese cake. Unlike programs, the older they are they less they tell you and whether they end up like what you hoped to be will ultimately be out of your hands simply because they have free will.

'Without hope a man is but an animal', says the Koran and I agree.

A deer is happy enough to prance around the woods, eat berries and soft leaves off shrubs for the rest of its life without knowing if its defaecating will bring a richer growth in the future. They don't stop to feel the rain and think of all the greenery that will result from the downpour of heaven's waters, or the newer sweeter fruit that grew along the stream.

We all dream of better things in the future for without it there is no will to live.

There was an article I read many years ago regarding the causes of death amongst people on earth. It said 'one of the biggest killers of people are retirement'. When they stop working, they don't know what to do with the rest of their lives. The reason to wake up in the morning to get to work, to fix that pipe, to write the purchase order, to operate that forklift, to draw the design diagram - disappears.

Of course as morbid as it sounds, hope can be about many things. My dad is a retired civil servant whom had served his country loyally for 35 years. He has nothing much to do nowadays except to tend to his little garden at the extended porch of the house and the backyard. I hope to God that he lives a long and healthy life with my mother, I'd imagine he's hoping to see my brother and I establish a family of our own like when he did over four decades ago, to help guide us through the difficult learning curves of becoming the head of your own family.

That is his hope.

What about mine?

Battery Water

I was possibly too blurred to know better then, about two hours after I came home from starting my first day at the new office*, that I pumped RM40 worth of petrol at the Mobil station in SS14. In the process I bought a banana shortcake and a bottle of battery water.

It might not sound any weird or so, but the fact goes that the eagerness to go home must have overwhelmed me. Or the possibility that I was too tired from the journey to Cheras from Subang, to and fro?

Indeed, so much so until I actually forgotten that my car battery was maintenance-free.

Yeah.

* Transferred to the HQ and was on the first day at work. Met quite a lot of new people, especially some whom I have heard of but have never actually met during my stint at the subsidiary.