Tranquil in darkness

Glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow.

It was late Friday evening when I drove home after the movies with a few friends, the atmosphere was calm and serene, unrushed as the weekend was only an hour away. The traffic still looked ridiculously bad going downtown but the drive back to Subang was of its normal pace with most people already home and there was no traffic jam to slow things down.

I might be driving on the wrong side of the road there...

I enjoy driving home in the quiet of the night with slow music from the radio to unwind after a busy day - there is something calming about the night that gladdens the heart.

I had Sarah McLachlan's  Do What You Have To Do on via the Bluetooth player during a short period of congestion in front of the PJ Hilton. Her voice filled the dark interior of the car, the quietness cocooned within, lit only by the red dashboard displays. The air-conditioner was blowing gently - not too cold, just right.

Just her voice and the piano, singing about the conflict between the heart and the mind to let go of something so dear.

Whilst I'm nowhere there at the moment, sharing the emotions that literally oozes from the song, but she seems to capture the very essence of the dilemma that one faces when they are at the crossroads that we will all come to many times at various stages of our lives.

"Black Arial 16 bold or Tahoma 17 blue?"

 Instead I was mesmerized by the three lines describing ember that is burning, literally seeing it in my mind, the orange-yellow glow, barely lighting up a monochromatic background. Combine that with the slow tempo of the piano and the hypnotic quality of the singer's voice, I was literally at peace.

The week before I had Keiko Matsui's acoustic version of Water Lily, the tinkle of the ivory hitting the strings as her fingers danced over their black and white keys. It seemed to massage the soul like the gentle fingers of a masseuse loosening the knots of tired muscles. I listened to every note and savour them individually and together, creating the wonderful melody that made the piano such a soothing instrument.

Perhaps this is why I like small or one-to-one interaction with people; I can listen to them with my fullest attention, taking in what is being said without the distractions and connect with them, to be on the same wavelength. It's like a duet, two individuals playing the same song.

Not sure how but this came out as one of the results in Google search.

 Maybe because of this I happen to become a person that people are not afraid of confiding to. I have sat in front of many who told me of their innermost secrets, anger and fear, sometimes accompanied by tears that at times would sometimes cut my own heart because I 'feel' their words, not necessarily understanding it the way that only they themselves can. Sometimes all they needed is someone to listen to what their heart is crying out, not necessarily to seek in opinion or solution.

As the car cruised smoothly down the highway, I thanked God the weekend is here again.

Life's canvas

When it comes to movies I can be pretty picky about what I watch, depending on the mood of the day. Went to watch Final Destination 5 the other day with my two friends and was somewhat entertained due to the fact that I was looking to do no thinking at all after a long week at work. I know it's going to be able people dying horribly because Death doesn't like to be cheated, for some reason it was all right that evening because I switched off the need to 'feel' the movie.

Most of the time though I would invest my mind and heart into connecting with a film's character and/or underlying story, fascinated with the reasons that motivate them to do what they do. I have always valued storytelling above CGI graphics and explosions - a film can have absolutely no chase scenes or epic artificial constructs to awe me, just simple yet well-written plot and acting, the act of explaining an idea with its actors putting them to flesh.

Take for instance The Shawshank Redemption - routinely touted as one of, if not the finest movie of all time - a simple story of a wronged man's life, his friendship with the people whom were all stuck at the bottom of society's eyes, the many obstacles standing between him and freedom and the triumph of hope over adversity.

Then take a look at Pixar's Up, the story of an old man who lived his old life bitter and cranky about a lost love & dream, learning to open up and embark on an adventure of a lifetime as the chains of the past are broken. The eight minute speechless montage of Carl's marriage with Ellie is one of the finest bit of animation ever made - it was simple and sweet, equally poignant because we know people or even some of ourselves who have went through something like that before. You can't help but feel sorry for the old man, knowing how it would devastate ourselves if we were in his shoes.

The best thing about well written films is that they don't force feed you with melodrama - the honesty of the scenes slither itself into our hearts and tug at the strings, reminding ourselves of our very own disappointments and flaws as humans.

Many people I know would avoid such movies like the plague because they find it boring and pointless as the entire objective of watching films is to entertain oneself. That I agree, perhaps we entertain ourselves differently - some look for stimulation, the adrenaline rush and 'hell yeah!' moments, whilst others enjoy having a story being told to them on the silver screen.

I can remember the scene of deep night accompanied by the moonlit clouds and the Latin choir as the camera pans slowly down towards the city of Jerusalem under siege from Saladin's army in Kingdom of Heaven.

I can also remember the 'mental battle' between Jet Li's Nameless and Donnie Yen's Broken Spear in the first fight of the movie Hero to the background of an old man's zither and dripping rainwater in slow motion.

And then there is the part where The Girl's blind date recounts what Gyeon-Woo told him about keeping her happy, as she realised that he understood her more than she could imagine in My Sassy Girl.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy watching Megan Fox in the Transformers movies, it's just that some times I'd like to go away from all the heavily marketed media that promises only visual excitement and take a walk with the characters as they go about playing their part as actors in the grand canvas of life.

I'm tired of visual excitement in movies!

Now that's...

Just a couple of days of talking about women and my 'expectations', I stumbled upon this on Wikipedia:

Introversion

Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life". Introverts are people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction.Introverts tend to be more reserved and less outspoken in large groups.

 They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, music, drawing, tinkering, playing video games, watching movies and plays, and using computers, along with some more reserved outdoor activities such as fishing. In fact, social networking sites have been a thriving home for introverts in the 21st century, where introverts are free from the formalities of social conduct and may become more comfortable blogging about personal feelings they would not otherwise disclose.

The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, engineer, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to an introvert choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents.Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement. They are more analytical before speaking.

Did Wikipedia just described me in three paragraphs?

This Sim Guy is also a lot richer than I am

Expectations vs desires

Twice last weekend and once again last week I was commented on the reason for why I am still single as of today

"Perhaps you're being too picky".

I have been hearing that comment for the last five years now and it is not like I have not wondered about how true it is. Best part about that is all it came from people whom I have not met or seen for a long time, the last being a lady friend who is currently in Penang when I had a chat during the early morning before work.

The week before was my ex-supervisor's fiancée, Vickee, asked

"What is it in a woman that you're looking for?"

I've given thought to that question in the past week or so to fill the mind during those boring traffic jams or any other activities that requires waiting and came up with a few that more or less answers her question.

Take note that these are what I would like in a lady, not necessarily my expectations - both different things altogether. Whilst we can all wish for the perfect person to fit every requirement, it's best to expect that only some will meet what we believe to be our wishes.


Intelligent
I don't mean MENSA candidates when I wrote that. I enjoy conversations about anything under the sky and it piques my interest when a woman is able to converse about more than just the surface of a topic. It's the same reason why I read and listen to all sorts of stories instead of choosing only those that fits my interests simply because a well-rounded mind are usually more level-headed and are less prone to being one-dimensional.

So what will we talk about once the usual topics are exhausted? There is only so much cuddling and sweet talk that you can do (although that is usually enough). I'm fine with ladies who don't know much but are not afraid of the idea of knowing more for the sake of having a better perspective in life.

Again, no geniuses needed, just one open to ideas and are capable of conversations beyond the superficial. Clever ones gets bonus points.

"I do astrophysics to relax".

Strong
Not in the sense of an Iron Lady World Champion but more in the likes of perseverance in the eye of the storm. Whilst I don't expect all women to stare at danger with hearts made of cold steel but I would like them to not be discouraged by the slightest of inconvenience.

For the same reason I actually find 'girly girls' a bit of a put off because of the amount of pacifying that you need to do when they are 'not in the mood'. I don't mind playful pacification, but serious ones because of petty things really gets on my nerves. If anything I like my ladies delicate and playful but not tofu-hearted.

One woman I know had a heartbreaking time tending to her dying son after a surgery failed to keep him healthy. She had to change him, feed him and then watch him wither away. While I would know that it would've broken the lesser woman, she persevered through in faith and then let go. I won't pretend to know the kind of hell she went through, but that to me is true strength.

Her name? Elizabeth, but I call her 'Ma'.

"That kid hasn't called. Again".

Simple things in life
Can she sit with me to watch the sunset without saying a single word? There are many joys in the world that are simple and I happen to enjoy them a lot - stroking a purring cat's soft fur, listening to a baby responding to her mother, watching fish wade around in a gentle pond, closing the eyes and listening to the waves crashing to the shore or sitting out at the rooftop looking at the stars surrounded by singing crickets.

I'd love to lie down on the rug with soft music on, lights off, the room illuminated by the moon et al, and do nothing but talk until we fall asleep.

The 24/7 world cuts down time for ourselves so much that it is difficult to slow down to smell the flowers, the hidden little treasures fly through our view because people are less inclined to stop and have a look with all the distractions what not.

"Dear, I think I left the iron on".

  
Independent
Personal space to me is important because it is some of the things that makes us individuals instead of clones or robots. There will come a time when all I want to do is do a dungeon crawl or watch a football match uninterrupted by continuous requests for attention. Spending time is essential in building the relationship but too much too often is like the protective cloth to the skin - creates friction that leads to blisters.

There are also times when I'd like to hang out with the guys without a woman on tow. I don't mind having them meet up together some times but it becomes a problem to me when there simply isn't any division between what defines 'me' and 'us'.

In reverse, a woman should have time to have the weekend out with their girlfriends or simply do something that is all of her own that doesn't involve their guy be it watching a soppy television drama or jogging at the park - all this without forcing the guy to be there when he doesn't want to.

"Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time?"
- Merovingian, The Matrix Reloaded -

Nice cape.

 Trust
This to me is possibly one of the toughest thing to do in the world where infidelity is on the rise and divorce or breakup rates are on the rise. A world where everything is now interconnected, we all meet people everywhere, every time as well as my own call for personal space earlier.

There's old saying that if a girl asks about you all the time it means she cares which is all good and sundry. It is bad news when it graduates to suspicion and jealousy.

I experienced this first hand almost ten years ago and sufficed to say I was more relieved to be out of it than sad because I was tired of being viewed as one who was in the greatest risk of changing hearts because I was surrounded by similarly aged girls in university whom are entering their prime. Whilst I understand the concerns considering that she was far away in another continent, it wasn't the reassurance that I had to give regularly that was giving me a heartache - it's the lack of trust in my fidelity that led to the quarrels. The last straw was when she decided that she trusts her suspicion than she does of me.

I am thoroughly confident of how loyal I was to her when I was here over 10,000 km away. Sure there are temptations every where I was - it's the university when our hormones were at an all time high - but I stood through the thick and thin that the next two years we shall be reunited again.

The conclusion here is that I reserve my faithfulness to the woman only if she extends the same to me; she must understand that it cannot be a one way street where the only feelings that matters are hers. Not saying that our hearts are made of ones and zeroes that makes it either an on or off but the foundation of a stable and solid relationship begins with trust. If one cannot trust the other to be committed to the companionship, makes just about no sense to get together in the first place.

Perhaps we were immature back then, when relationships are made up just of being together, whispering sweet nothings and cuddles. We were simply ill prepared for the real challenges of maintaining a relationship beyond those.

"You.. have... just ... won... 50,000.... dollars...".

Personality
By far the toughest of them all. Everybody likes good looking people or at least above average ones as its a biological reaction - show me a person who is not interested in attractive people and I'll show you a liar.

We are all superficial but the difference is in the degree of how a person appears influences how much attention you give to how they actually are. The most superficial will put looks at the top of the list whilst the least will give the most points for personality.

In that sense whilst I have a healthy self-esteem of how I look, I'm at a handicap compared to my other friends and acquaintances who are taller and more good looking than I am. I need to do twice as much as work to achieve half of what they are capable of. In such I'm normally quite disliked during first impressions only to graduate to friends or good friends after knowing one another better.

An ex-colleague long ago told me that she hated my guts the first few weeks we met but eventually she thought I was a great guy after we got more chance to speak to one another.

Mom once made a remark that had me slighted for a bit (with a snide remark being a progeny of hers) which goes along the lines of this is a face that only she can love. She wasn't saying that I am an ugly troll - rather I happen to wear an unwelcoming face most of the time. I do admit that I don't smile very much and my default facial expression is half a unit over the 'sour' spectrum, juuuuust slightly.

Personally I have trouble smiling for no apparent reason simply because it is not only insincere, I'm cheating the other person of genuine warmth. I do smile during official matters but only because we are expected to.

Similarly I am averse to trying to become whatever I am not just to impress others (non in official capacity), most especially to women. Whilst there is truth in 'faking it till you make it', it is the very reason why you hear "he's changed" "you were not like that before" "you don't love me anymore" so very often nowadays.

I am keen on avoiding that pitfall, if she is not able to accept me for who I really am then I am not willing to cheat her of her confidence in me that will result in nothing but disappointments later - she deserves better.

That said, I admit that there is much to improve on how I package myself - there are ladies who are beyond my reach (either due to distance, status or some sort of legitimate barrier) who react favourably to how I look.

It will have to be a give and take - my expectations of them is the same as theirs of me; acceptance for the actual person, not how he/she appears to look like.

"You're a pretty puzzling fella".

---

All said, am I still being picky, I'd ask Vickee.

If you have read what I wrote from the start, you will find that I have described the many things that are foundations to maintaining a solid relationship, not the kind of expectations that I have in a woman. It would be obvious by now that I am already looking beyond the person, looking to understand what happens after the initial sparks have fizzled out.

Cracked.Com

I'm going to steal some ideas from one of my favourite comedy sites on the Internet - Cracked.com's format of using lists to speak about some everything under the sun.

The highlight of the site is not the content though as they refer to many other sources from the Internet but in the way they are being presented. The humour actually makes what people would call boring (read: history) into entertaining snippets. Better still you actually learn a thing or two because of the entertainment value from reading what would normally be consigned to the classroom or science journals. Paragraphs are often followed by often nonsensical images that illustrates something else along the context or actual images on related to the topic but with humourous captions.

I also love the fact that the writers actually do some sort of research into the topic before presenting their article. Whilst some of the referrals are arguable or even contentious,  they don't take themselves seriously and neither do the writers stand on the pedestal of infallibility.

Spend some time there - you'll love it.

Don't say I didn't warn you though - it's a serious time killer.

Best With White

A friend recently ventured a comment that made me stop whatever I was doing for a while and realise that I have been doing things or buying stuff that was particularly of a shade of colour.

His question was harmless enough but somewhat interesting because it haven't occurred to me before:

"Is it just me or do you seem to have a lot of things in orange?".

I stopped packing up the office laptop and looked up then realising that he was right.

At least one article of clothing that I bought, usually collared polos, was orange in colour; including the one I am wearing now, bought around three years ago. I bought a striped orange coloured twirled cotton polo, as well as another the year before.

The car I just bought in May is orange.

The logo of the company I just joined recently has orange as the dominant colour.

One of the product that I was most well versed with at the previous company had orange as the dominant colour of its logo as well.

One of the towels that I use is a shade of dark orange.

My favourite pieces of software - Mozilla Firefox and VLC Player has recognisable orange colours to their logos.

One of my MMORPG avatars has the name Pumpkin (yes, she's female) - as you know they're usually orange in colour.

This is how she looks like after midnight

Wilfred of Orange

Personally I don't really believe there is anything to it except that I thought orange colours, especially when combined with white stands out. Orange is a vibrant colour, white is a pure and bright - both of which combine to make a warm yet exciting colour.

Here's what the Internet says about the colour orange:

ORANGE

Positive: Physical comfort, food, warmth, security, sensuality, passion, abundance, fun.
Negative: Deprivation, frustration, frivolity, immaturity.

Since it is a combination of red and yellow, orange is stimulating and reaction to it is a combination of the physical and the emotional. It focuses our minds on issues of physical comfort - food, warmth, shelter etc. - and sensuality. It is a 'fun' colour. Negatively, it might focus on the exact opposite - deprivation. This is particularly likely when warm orange is used with black. Equally, too much orange suggests frivolity and a lack of serious intellectual values.

Autumn

Of the four seasons I like autumn the best, followed by spring, winter and summer. One of the most popular images of this transitional period between the end of summer and the start of winter are that of foliage in shades of orange in the contrast of greys and faded greens, the atmosphere is quiet and the air growing chilly. Still not freezing but cold - or just right.

(I'm certain some of my friends would go 'Huh!' at that last sentence, especially those living or used to live in temperate countries.)

My name reflects the kind of things that I cherish in life - wish for peace and tranquility so it's no surprise that I can be slow at things that does not warrant rushes or prefer to allow others to win on things of little significance as well as not liking to be forced or goaded into actions, be it for my own good or bad.


Colour for all times

I suppose it's no harm considering that orange does look very nice in certain things - I'll probably grab more polos of such types but not sure about declaring it my new favourite though. Perhaps only if it is with white that I would consider it lovely or classy when combined with grey.

Still, an innocent question about me and the shade halfway between red and yellow had me thinking about what my mind or heart had been telling me all this while. Then again, perhaps I was probably overcomplicating things.

As always.

Fruits of Toil

I often query friends, questions regarding their contribution to their employment in comparison to their gains after putting forward a scenario that pretty much sums up business as it is nowadays in a capitalist world.

Please bear in mind that I'm neither an accountant nor a tradesperson, the following are far simplified scenarios to just give some meat to the story.

Say an individual gets a US$1,000,000 loan to start a business selling sandwiches in 2010. The owner hires five people to work for him at their first store outlet at a shopping mall as salespersons, cook, accountant etc. Let's assume that business goes well and the company make 10% of net profit from total cost of US$50,000 a month (including loan payments),  amounting to US$5000, up to US$60,000 a year.

In the next five years, profit increases by 5% per annum.


Total net profit is approximately US$348,113

-

Question 1: Can the owner claim to own the whole sum of US$348,113 ?

Question 2: If not, does that mean the employees are rightful owners to parts of the business too?

If Work Rocks

... we would all do it for free.

No truer words spoken by Scott Adams in his book 'The Dilbert Principle'.

I recall once having a conversation with a company director I once during dinner. The conversation eventually moved towards everybody's life etc.

The guy told us about how he rarely sleeps more than 6 hours a day and have to be at on business even during weekends, sometimes without days off because let's face it, people in commerce will would try to do whatever they can for opportunities regardless of the day or risk missing out on what could amount to a big contract.

I don't fault that logic - besides I can see from his point of view that the harder one works - especially for directors in his shoes - the better the returns at the end of the day. Business grow or shrink on what these traders do at the negotiation table, the more the frequency the higher the chance of a good deal coming through. We should work harder he says, the company prospers, we would also prosper.

Even if they happen to be 'pals' with us, I didn't quite have the stomach to tickle the dragon that day by mentioning that for the rest of us employees, we could work as hard as he is or even more - 9am to 2am, work through lunch etc - weekends et al; the end result is still just our monthly salaries. We don't have 'dividends' to receive at the end of the year if sales increase by 15%. Bonuses are often afterthoughts after the shareholders have gotten their share of the 15% of extra profit.

That is why I don't touch the laptop or access company resources when I'm at home except in time-sensitive circumstances that require over the clock responses.

That's one of the problems with global trade - business day ends in Asia and it just begins in Europe. So practically you can submit a proposal, PO, letter or quotation between 7:00 - 12:00 am, receive a quick response within the next hour or so before going to sleep, then use the information for the next business day. There had been cases of mostly my ex-colleagues sitting in the office to finish a weekly update just because the partner's office starts at 9:00 our time and the local customer requires daily updates.

All fine and dandy, as long as it doesn't involve me due to the reasons above. Besides tradesmen have a reason to stay active in the market part from the frequency reasons. It's also due to their obligation or ambition to expand the business. The old saying is true, that one doesn't get rich doing their day jobs.

Do you want to be rich? Be ready to sacrifice most of your life to harder work than the average person is willing to do.