Lost in time

Ever had one of those days when you're simply numb? You know you are there but you know you are not either. The experience is quite surreal to say the least. There are two extremes, one illustrated on the day that disappeared for me, vanishing down time as one of those days that I simply do not remember. Perhaps I had a lucid dream that stretched into the day, ending only when I went back to sleep again that night. I wasn't too bothered by that particular occurrence of being here and nowhere at the same time seeing that the day that followed was a Friday leading into the weekend, which was most welcomed.

Today was one of the opposite side of the spectrum, where I know I am there and yet I was away. In simple terms it's almost like chatting on MSN Live Messenger with the 'Away' status active, a prove that I am present yet it showed that I'm not.

I had Carragher's autobiography to entertain me on the way to work this morning, his story about the fans' shenanigans in Japan had me grinning, much to the amusement of some of the people sitting nearby (and hopefully getting them curious about Liverpool in the process). I have always liked to read whilst waiting for something, be it the local daily or a good book. Was in 'panic' about what to do after finishing my friend's Angels & Demons as I was picky about the quality of reading; imagine committing the time and money to a book only to find it deflating in the middle of the story - there are times when I had to soldier through just because it would be unfair to judge an entire book based on one half of it, possibly missing a rousing ending at the end. The only major disappointment I had was with James Clavell's Gai-jin which was pretty forgettable amongst the masterpieces of Shogun, Noble House and Tai-pan. Fortunately for me his thickest (and most expensive) book, Whirlwind was a lot more interesting than I thought.

Getting the 9.10 release codenamed Karmic Koala of Ubuntu Linux had me purring like cat for the last couple of weeks due to its stability and bugfix from the disappointing 9.04 Jaunty Jackalope to the point that the OS actually perform and look sexy. There were minor problems with all releases of software but were quickly fixed by the community or through workarounds that soon became part of the knowledge accumulating in this brain of mind.

Liverpool drawing 2-2 against Birmingham at home against the backdrop of an already dire start to the season didn't affect me much though it was somewhat disappointing that last season's momentum never sustained but that's life. I followed this club for twenty years now - being disappointed is a part of life I have learned to accept, especially for something of little importance (at least to me) like this.

Towards noon time after a rather heavy conversation of sorts with a friend was when I felt the day drifting away as if I arrived in the future before the mind did. Lunch wasn't much of a fanfare - how could you at LG1 of the office - though I had some of my favourites on the plate such as kangkung in belacan as well as fried chicken. I bit into the morsels of food and found that I didn't really mind the atmosphere that much - being a smoking area et al - or the noise and the people walking by queuing up to get their lunch. Had a joke with the manager though I realised that my (IMO) quick wit was slower than it usually is.

Perhaps I was sleepy although I was sure I slept before midnight and woke up with enough rest, and yet as I struggled through with the VMWare installation, my mind was already pretty much elsewhere.

vmware-config.pl
(compilation messages)
(EULA)
...

I was adrift.

For once it felt like I was separated from the body, watching my body obey as I told it what to do. The occasional walks out of the room for a toilet or support call were done as with no thoughts occuring in the mind, just the body doing what it should.

Readers of this blog know that I have plenty to talk and think about, the questions are deep in nature, bordering on the controversial considering how spiritual we are in this country. My ex-girlfriend often said the one thing that people can't see is my mood - she could never guess what was actually in my mind from the face alone and often times from interaction either.

I feel that I'm an honest person. I try to avoid using lies to the point of causing myself problems. I lie pretty badly - one could tell that I'm fibbing so I do it very rarely, even a white lie. I like to be frank with people though I have learned to be honest 'enough' - using logic and sequence to tell something correctly, whilst allowing the other to either be satisfied with what they can tell or being misled with their own impatient judgment of a matter. At the end of the day, I did not lie and I did not mislead anybody.

I interacted and joked with my colleagues today as we discussed matters, from the price of airline tickets to the assignment of appointments for different products the company were carrying. My supervisor was giving me a heads up on what I was going to be picking up as well as some other unrelated matters. While I listened and I understood what he said, it registered in my mind as it should be I wasn't sure if I was really listening. See the weird thing there? It was as if he was talking to my physical person and I was observing myself listening to him.

I have always pride myself to be able to compartmentalise things depending on how important they are and looking at things from many angles without emotional influence but this was one that was taken in an absolutely numb manner. I know I should either be happy that I'm taking up something new or shake my head against it but I was simply away. I accepted what was spoken like an automaton, responding in the most mechanical of manners about my vague knowledge about the product.

"No Joe, this is Laura. Who is this Michelle? Hello? Hello?!".

I continued reading Carra on my way back, line by line, his thoughts about the current ownership problem at Anfield by revealing some intimate details of the ongoings that was sports news for weeks in the UK and world football and yet, whilst I remembered most of the things written including the very text his Blue mate Seddo sent regarding the issue, I find that I was not as immersed in it as I was in the morning. I was more conscious about the empty seats next to me, the set of train that brought some of us away from Sentral, the attractive woman sitting across from me and the slamming of the moving door on the end of the coach I was in due to faulty lock, than I was of Carragher regarding Benitez. I read but I did not read.

I stepped off the train at almost exactly 7.00 pm to the grey clouds that promised rain for the evening, wondering if I actually lived through this day as who I am, thinking that the best thing to happen would be to go back for a good shower, a dinner, a short writing session (this) and then bed to let the mind rest and regroup tomorrow.

I told my friend this morning - never regret a decision taken. I seemed to have forgotten how it felt to be asked the same question.